Nic Bertino

November 01, 2024

Changing my approach to difficult feedback

A former team member recently called out a blind spot I didn’t know I had. As their manager, I thought I was giving clear, principled feedback about performance issues. I had the data. I used frameworks. I provided a path forward. I thought I was being a good leader.

I missed something basic: I never created space for their perspective.

I went straight into script mode with SBI observations and action items. The feedback was necessary, but my approach left them feeling unseen and undervalued. The thing is, I did see them. I did value them. But I let them down by not inviting their voice when it mattered most.

I talk about psychological safety, engagement, empowerment, and fierce communication as core leadership principles. But in this crucial moment, I didn’t practice what I preach. I chose efficiency over empathy and confused directness with one-way communication.

The cost was significant. It damaged a relationship I valued, hurt trust, and turned feedback into judgment rather than an opportunity for growth. This failure taught me something important: good leadership means having the courage to give hard feedback AND creating the conditions that make that feedback actually work.

Here’s how I’m changing my approach to difficult conversations.

My New Principles

Clarity is kindness - unclear feedback robs people of the chance to grow

Everyone deserves to be heard - gaps in perspective create blind spots

Build the path forward together - ownership drives lasting change

Don’t separate good leadership from good management - principles without practice damage relationships

What I’m Avoiding Now

  • Softening feedback to protect feelings (this actually makes things worse)
  • Rushing to solutions before understanding context
  • Focusing on my intentions (“I meant well”) instead of impact
  • Avoiding clear documentation of expectations

Before the Conversation

Preparation matters because specifics matter. Here’s what I do now:

  • Document specific examples
  • Write down 2-3 key questions
  • Define clear success metrics
  • Schedule 45-60 minutes
  • Choose a private, neutral space

During the Conversation

Opening: Set the frame

“I want to discuss [specific situation] because it’s impacting [concrete outcome]. This might feel heavy.”

This explains what we’re discussing and why it matters to the business.

Exploration: Invite their perspective

“How do you see this situation?” “What might I be missing?” “What’s influencing your approach here?”

Everyone deserves to be heard. Even when I have a clear fact pattern, I need to let them explain the situation in their own words.

Direct feedback: Clear and specific

“Here’s what I’m observing: [specific examples]” “The impact is: [concrete outcomes]”

Clarity is kindness. I’m not trying to soften the message, but to clearly explain why this matters and what the real impact is.

Joint problem-solving

“What support would help you address this?” “Here’s what success looks like: [clear expectations]”

This gives them ownership of the solution and lets them tell me what they need to meet expectations. It respects their agency while holding them accountable for change.

I’ve gotten more direct with feedback, which was needed. But I’m also trying to bring more openness to these conversations.

Here are phrases that maintain directness while showing openness:

  • “I have specific concerns we need to address. First, I’d like to understand your view.”
  • “This pattern needs to change. Help me understand the barriers you’re facing.”
  • “I’m being direct because this matters. What am I missing from your perspective?”

Before Your Next Tough Conversation

For managers:

  • What am I trying to protect by softening this message?
  • Have I gathered multiple perspectives?
  • Am I clear on the non-negotiables?
  • What support am I prepared to offer?

For the conversation:

  • Did they feel heard?
  • Were expectations clear?
  • Is there a documented path forward?
  • Did we address root causes?

After the Conversation

  • Document agreements
  • Schedule check-ins
  • Watch for early wins
  • Give specific positive feedback when you see change

Resources